Dear Eric: I’m a gay man (58) married to a man (61). We have been together for more than 20 years. My younger sister and her husband have been a part of our lives since the beginning and have never shown any sign of not accepting our relationship. We have all traveled together and have stayed in each other’s homes.
Several years ago, we took them to our favorite vacation spot to renew their vows, and, in 2026, they would like us to take them back for a milestone anniversary they are celebrating. We are happy to do it.
We have come to learn from other family members that my brother-in-law often disparages the LGBTQ+ community at parties. My sister, while not participating, does not challenge her husband on what he is saying. We have not experienced this in person, but I absolutely believe this is happening and won’t tolerate that type of hatred.
I’m not comfortable confronting them about this with just secondhand information. If this is true, I don’t want to take them on a vacation and potentially have to have an unwanted confrontation in person if he were to say something intolerable. Do I bring it up now or just not say anything and make up an excuse as to why we can’t take this vacation together?
—Intolerable In-Law
Dear In-Law: You write that you absolutely believe that your brother-in-law’s disparaging comments are happening. I’m wondering why you believe it and why you would want to continue having a close relationship with someone you think is likely to talk about you behind your back.
Was this information a surprise or did it confirm something you felt and didn’t acknowledge? It seems unlikely that he’ll say something intolerable while on vacation with you, given what you’ve experienced thus far. That doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t think and say disparaging things elsewhere; just that he’s no fool. After all, you’re paying for his vacation. It also doesn’t prove he does think and say these things.
Hearsay and hunches are just going to create confusion. So, you have to ask him what he thinks directly.
Then, you have to decide whether you believe him. And that’s dependent on the strength of your relationship. This is a vulnerable position to be in. It’s hard to have to say to a loved one, “Do you really accept me?” But you owe it to yourself to get clarity and peace of mind.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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