Dear Annie: A relationship I had for two and a half years has recently ended. I met a woman, “Marie,” through mutual friends, and we quickly became best friends, eventually turning romantic. She was the first woman I ever dated, and while our relationship had its ups and downs, the challenges were unique. She had rare health problems and a history of being treated badly by men. Over time, I became somewhat of a caretaker for her, and we were inseparable.
But things changed. She began accusing me of being “manipulative” and a “gaslighter.” While I made mistakes—this was my first relationship—I always apologized when I realized I was wrong. But she would refuse to explain what I had done, leaving me apologizing without understanding why. We tried counseling, but after one session, she didn’t want to continue.
Two weeks ago, I moved from Arizona to South Carolina, while she stayed behind for work. Despite my efforts to stay in touch, she told me she didn’t deserve how I treated her and that I needed to move on and treat the next woman better. I’m heartbroken because I haven’t done some of the things she accused me of, like turning friends against her.
To complicate things, her mother has thanked me for everything I did for her daughter and even sent me photos from their family vacation. Seeing those pictures hurt deeply, as I don’t think she’ll ever smile at me the way she does in them. I feel broken.
—Broken
Dear Broken: You may feel broken now, but you’re on the path to building a much better life for yourself. While the pain is real, remember that this was someone who wasn’t willing to work on the relationship through therapy and often turned things around by accusing you of manipulation and gaslighting. That’s name-calling, not healthy communication. In the long run, it’s better that you’ve parted ways. Stay strong; better days are ahead.
Dear Annie: Every year, my wife and I take our grown kids and their spouses on nice vacations. We’ve flown them business class to various overseas locations, and since we don’t live in the same cities, we cherish this time together.
The issue is our son-in-law, “Pete.” He behaves like he’s paying for the trip, constantly boasting about his latest business ventures, though our daughter is the real breadwinner. He always orders the most expensive items on the menu and complains if the liquor selection isn’t top-tier. This is not how they live at home, and his entitlement is frustrating.
Pete also doesn’t like children and makes it known how irritated he gets when any are around. His thin skin means that even the slightest comment causes him to sulk for days. Overall, his behavior has made these vacations unpleasant.
We brought this up with our daughter in what we thought was a civil conversation, but she brushed it off, saying he’s just “maximizing” his vacation. To us, “maximizing” feels like him taking full advantage of our generosity.
We’ve thought about ending these trips, but we love spending time with our son and his wife, who are a joy to be around. We don’t want to stop the vacations entirely because of Pete’s behavior. What do you suggest?
—Frustrated Generous Parents
Dear Frustrated Generous Parents: Pete sounds like quite the handful! I think it’s time to let him foot the bill for his top-shelf liquor. You’re already treating them to flights and luxury accommodations; he can splurge on his own taste in spirits. His entitlement isn’t doing anyone any favors, least of all your grandchildren, who certainly don’t need that kind of role model.
It might be time for a reality check. Letting him take responsibility for his actions (and expenses) could cool his britches a bit. Nothing like paying for your own extravagances to bring things into perspective.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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