Dear Annie: I am a nurse who needed to become a full-time caregiver for my mom, who is in her 90s. I have siblings; however, when I ask for their help, there is always an excuse. I haven’t had a vacation in several years.
A friend of mine who is also a nurse offered to take care of my mom so I could have a long weekend off. I was so grateful for her generous offer. Mom is very comfortable with this friend, so I made plans to go on a well-deserved vacation. I did check in while I was away, and everything was going well.
When I returned, my mom told me that my friend had deep cleaned several rooms in our home. I’m not a bad housekeeper, but my priority is caring for my mom, so I clean as I’m able. She also brought additional groceries even though I had told her I had shopped prior to her coming. I had not asked her to clean or to bring groceries, and I am embarrassed by what she’s done.
Mom told me that when she saw what my friend was doing, she told her I’d be embarrassed. My friend disregarded Mom’s advice and continued cleaning.
I did tell my friend that I appreciated her giving me a break but wished she had asked me first before cleaning and bringing additional food for us, which wasn’t needed. She said she likes to keep busy and I could see she didn’t recognize my discomfort. I’m torn between being grateful that I got a few days off but now find I don’t want to have this friend in my home again. Am I being ungrateful? How do I move forward?
— Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed: Your friend likely saw the extra chores as simply part of the care she was providing. Rather than interpret it as a reflection on your ability to keep things in order, reframe the experience as a friend wanting to go the extra mile after seeing how hard you were working for your mom.
Compulsive cleaners are frequently driven by a need to control their situation. This is not personal to you. Whether or not you accept her help in the future is up to you.
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