Dear Eric: My fiancé and I are currently living together and planning on getting married soon. This isn’t our first marriage, and I am crazy about him, which at my age I never thought would happen.
His children live in the house: 27, 21, two 16-year-old twins, and a 15-year-old.
I work 50-plus hours a week and so does he. The 21-year-old does 40 hours. The 27-year-old, who also has two kids, is home all day and the rest go to school online. So, essentially, they are also home all day.
Is it unreasonable for me to expect them to clean up after themselves? I come every day to dishes piled up and having to clean 45 minutes before I can even start dinner. Then, after dinner, I’m expected to clean the whole kitchen by myself.
I have no issue doing the dishes I dirtied, however why am I doing everyone’s? I’m feeling extremely tired and disrespected. Should I just move on before I get caught up anymore than I already am? And yes, I’ve spoken to my significant other several times and he says he’ll talk to them.
—Desperate at Home
Dear Desperate: Who was doing the dishes before you moved in? Who was making dinner? Who was cleaning the kitchen?
It’s possible that these adults, teens, and your fiancé just lived in a dish-filled mess with no food. But my suspicion is they figured it out.
So, what changed? Your willingness to provide domestic help is generous, but this situation indicates there was a conversation that didn’t happen between you and your fiancé prior to moving in. Namely: how is this all going to work? It sounds like the household didn’t get blended, but rather you were handed a long list of to-dos with a cherry on top.
Moreover, 27 (with two kids!) is a big age not to be lifting a finger.
So, you’ve got to stop. Full stop. And ask yourself if this is an environment that you want to live in. Maybe he’s not ready to welcome you into his home and he has to earn that privilege again. Every single person in that house is old enough to make themselves a sandwich. Ask your fiancé what his plan for fixing this is. If he doesn’t have an answer, that’s your answer.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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