Dear Eric: My sister’s only son (and my only nephew) is incarcerated in another state and will remain so for many more years for sex crimes against a child. I am still flabbergasted as to how he could commit such a heinous crime.
My sister maintains contact with him, but no one else in the family is interested in communicating with him. He wants to be able to call and write to me. I am sure he needs emotional support, and I know he will ask for money to be put on his books.
I really don’t want anything to do with such a person and can’t imagine what I could possibly say to him other than to express my absolute disgust in his actions that will affect this child in one way or another for likely her entire life.
I have told my sister that I have no interest in communicating with him and to please not give him my phone number or email address under any circumstances. Am I being too harsh? I remember the day he was born and how happy and close we all were for so long. His actions are unforgivable as far as I’m concerned.
—Conflicted Aunt
Dear Conflicted: You’re not being too harsh; you’ve set a boundary. He needs to honor it, as does your sister.
Though he says he wants to be in contact, I’m not seeing any work that he’s doing or has done to repair the relationship with you. His crimes had an unimaginably horrific impact on his victims and their families. And they also impacted your family. Without repair, there can’t be a relationship. And even with amends from him, your relationship won’t be the same.
If he’s ready, willing, and able to do the work, he can send word through your sister. And you can decide whether a new relationship is possible. But for now, you’ve stated clearly what you need and that can be the last word.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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