Asking Eric: My sister is living rent-free in my late mother’s house … shouldn’t she be paying something?

DEAR ERIC: My mom died a couple years ago and my dad is still living. He has dementia and lives in a nursing home. I live in another state. Shortly before my mother’s death she told my sibling she could move into their house. My mom was also in a nursing home at the time. My sister has lived in the home since then. Shouldn’t she be paying at least some monthly rent into the estate? I feel that my brother and I are being taken advantage of. There was nothing in writing and my parents never gave her ownership.

– Living Free

DEAR LIVING FREE: A lot of this sits in the legal domain – I’m curious about whether you or your brother have power of attorney over your father’s affairs, whether he’s now the sole owner of the house, whether there’s a will in place, et cetera. So, it might be useful to consult an attorney who is knowledgeable in this area and dive into the specifics.

But, for our purposes, this is a relationship issue. Your mother was free to do with the house what she wanted, and she chose to invite your sister to live in the house. Do you feel that you’re owed money now or at some future point? Do you feel that the house is being devalued by her presence? Do you want to sell it now and take the profits? I’m asking these questions because I’m not quite sure where the injustice is hitting you.

Think about what you want and what would feel fair, and then have a conversation with your sister. But make sure you know why you’re asking for what you’re asking for. Oftentimes, grief shows up in unexpected ways. This is particularly likely around property and inheritance. What’s going to make you feel better without causing a fracture in your relationship with your sister? That’s the best path forward.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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