Dear Abby: Seventeen years ago, I had a mental breakdown. For the first three years afterward, my husband stood by me. The medications I was prescribed caused me to gain more than 100 pounds. I have tried diets, to no avail. I suggested to him that maybe we could hold each other and see where it led us. His reply was, “I’m no longer attracted to you. You knew when we married that I wasn’t attracted to larger (fat) women.”
Since then, I no longer respect or value him. He has his room, and I have mine on the other side of the house. We do absolutely nothing together.
When he comes to my bedroom, he doesn’t knock. When I need to go through his room, I always knock. He said, “This is my house, too, and I don’t knock.” I can’t stand his arrogant ways. I still have to pretend we are married, but I don’t feel it. He calls me “baby.” I have expressed that I have no interest in pretending and have asked him to stop calling me that.
I’m on a fixed income. All of my retirement money is invested in this home and property. I pay all the bills. We haven’t had sex in 14 years. I’m lonely for male companionship. I don’t know how much longer I can live this way, even though he didn’t leave when I really needed him. Please advise.
—Numb in Alabama
Dear Numb: It has been 17 years since you were prescribed the medications you have been taking, and there may have been improvements made in the intervening years. Contact the doctor who prescribed them and ask whether there is something newer that would allow you to lose some of the weight you haven’t been able to lose. It may help if you explain what those meds have done to the state of your marriage.
If adjusting your medication is not possible, you will have to decide how important male companionship is to you, because you may have to find it elsewhere. Consult an attorney and ask what you would wind up with if the house were sold and the money was split. After that, you may be in a better position to explore your options.
Dear Abby: My husband of 20-plus years had two kids with his first wife. (I have none.) One of his kids, who answers no voicemails, emails or texts from us, now has two kids under age 5 from his own second marriage. They live less than an hour away. My husband and I saw the younger child once, almost a year ago. It was the last time we saw my husband’s son and his kids. My husband has seen his grandkids less than four times in four years. Have you any suggestions on how to repair this emotional cutoff?
—Unworthy in Maryland
Dear Unworthy: Has your husband told his son that he would like to have a closer relationship with him and his family? When exactly did this estrangement begin? Do you know what caused it? Once you have the answers to those questions, if apologies are in order, your husband should offer them verbally, in writing or in person. The ball will then be in your stepson’s court.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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